Maybe I’m the only one, the only one who fucking feels this deep and much, I wish , I really do, to not feel at all, nothing. I wish life was fucking easier on me for once, I wish I was allowed to be with the people that I love for once, for once to not feel fucking alone for Christmas. I want to be able to have the holidays that I’ve always dreamed of, with the people that I love, with everyone. No matter how many people I’m surrounded by I still feel incomplete. I feel my heart so heavy most of the times, I know I’m not supposed to ask for anything because life actually gave me so much more than I could have always asked for, but it’s so unfair to not be able to be with the ones that I hold dear. I feel all these emotions so hard and I feel like one day I’ll drown in my own tears, but I couldn’t ever tell you about them, I’m afraid of my own mind and of how much it actually thinks and overthinks thoughts.

Will we ever be able to be part of each others life’s? Or will we only be this way? Some days we are on and others we have to stay separate and feel like nothing is ever right, like everything feels so empty and incomplete. I mean at least for me, for me it’s not a normal day to not see or hear or even know you. But I feel like I have to be ok, to get used to not being with you almost every day, because it’s too much, but are we too much? Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t it be easy with us? I don’t feel like I got something to be ashamed of or something to hide. If We are a part of each others life’s we should be able to have and spend these kind of moments together, but maybe it’s not supposed to, maybe its better this way. For me it’s not, I’ve had a long life to feel and be alone and for once all I wanted was to be with the right ones, but I guess I ask for too much and that’s not fair of me to ask from you. I’m not in the position to want anything from you.

And I wouldn’t want you to ever know how much I’ve missed you this Christmas or every other day. I poured my heart out and there’s nothing left, just river of tears in the sign of missing you and how much my soul misses yours. It was the saddest and heaviest Christmas and maybe all of them will end up like this, but for me to know you are happy is all that matters in the world.